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Day 17 - Surrender


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My body starts tensing up in waves. It feels like the amount of information flooding into my brain is like being in a stadium full of people yelling at me and I can somehow understand them all. It is overwhelming. It’s what I asked for. One ceremony when I asked about how to not feel like a failure she likened that story I was telling myself to a hot stove. Over and over again she showed me touching that hot stove as it got hotter and hotter, until I was basically pleading to let go of that crap story. And all the while that tension and discomfort is growing in the body. Every time I force myself to surrender but it comes back. Hotter and hotter. Until finally she asks me if I want to put this story about myself down. I say yes. Yes frickin please! And just like that there is peace, and calm, and I’m relaxed.

Usually it's as simple as NOTICE YOU FEEL TENSION ------> SURRENDER and your body relaxes. Granted that was something I had to learn to do. The first few times I didn't really know what it meant. The closest I can describe it is it’s like dropping into a flow state playing music, or a really good breath while meditating where your mind finally goes quiet. Or even when you mind ISN'T quiet but YOU THE WATCHER is serene above the fray.

It feels for all the world, and I personally believe it’s true, that Aya is working on you. Like a software engineer or soul janitor cleaning out your code and preparing your mind for new pathways. New grooves. New habits. Part of the doorway to surrender is to remind yourself to just let her work. You are safe. All of this is for you. Breathe. Dive into the silence.

And that works.

And then the next wave comes.

Do the work.